It is late and I really should be sleeping.. but I have this pregnancy insomnia going on which makes that a little tricky. My heart is overflowing and I feel that I should share.
I took a blogging break for a few months.. a couple times.. over the last year. I have had so many things that I have wanted to share, and gradually I have shared a lot of the great times (at least up until the summer.) But since the fall, I have really struggled with it. Mostly because a lot of things that have been going on have been stressing me so much, and I really have not wanted to share it all, especially on our blog. This is more of a journal, and while I want to remember all things from our life, I really could go without a forever reminder of the ups and downs of the last few months.
While I don't want to be a negative Nancy [no offence if your name is Nancy], I have to share some of it so that my pregnant mind that will NOT shut off or seem to feel better until I talk out everything.. will finally feel at peace and will rest and just be happy and thankful. [Which I am. I so am.]
[warning.. i have tried to keep this as positive as possible, even while explaining the bad. if you do not want to hear the edited negative, I will not be offended if you just skip to the bottom to the good stuff. or even just through the purple. it is all good!]
As of March 1, 2010 our children have been on CHIP. We have not had the option for medical benefits from our employers and Addie and I have been denied by multiple private insurance agencies due to our health issues. Group benefits have been our only option for years, and since early this year, not an option at all. Our children being approved for CHIP has been a true lifesaver, and something that they both could not live without. [For now at least.]
For months.. and I mean until September, our children's CHIP insurance were cancelled and reactivated, and then cancelled again once or twice a month. This happened because of a miscommunication between Flying J and BCBS. While Flying J sent a cancellation letter to us, cancelled our benefits in their system, and stopped paying the premiums for our previous benefits, they did not notify the actual insurance company that we were no longer to be insured. Because BCBS had us listed in their system as insured, the state cancelled our children's insurance benefits. BCBS would not take our word for it that it should have been cancelled, they wouldn't accept the cancellation letter from Flying J that we had, they wouldn't even cancel it for us when we told them that neither of us worked there at all anymore. Flying J thought the letter was sent months before, and it took awhile to find someone willing to send it again. It was awful, and caused so many problems. Especially after Addie's accident, surgery, and everything that came with it. In one month, I spent a total of 14 hours on the phone with or on hold for the Department of Workforce Services.
It took a lot of time, effort, energy, and patience (which I struggled to keep) over 6 months to get it all fixed, but luckily it was fixed and things were good. We were, and still are, so very thankful for this help that we receive. It has been a tremendous blessing in our lives and the lives of our children. It has been wonderful and we are so thankful for the wonderful people at DWS who were willing to take their time to help figure things out and finally get them fixed for good for us.
Unfortunately this all caused issues with the insurance company that the CHIP is through because things changed so much they weren't sure which claims from previous months they should pay. After a few more hours with multiple people, this too was worked out and things seemed to be fixed there too. We are SO thankful!!
While trying to get me on Pregnant Medicaid, some things happened that ended up cancelling all of our benefits. That left children without insurance again. This also meant that I might not have coverage for this pregnancy. I have been super stressed and worried because I cannot get private health insurance from anyone (I've tried. They just deny me. I have had too many big things recently.) and Jarom is not eligible for benefits from work. We truly need this and we knew we were still financially eligible and that we had provided everything we've been asked too. We knew we needed to wait and everything would be okay. While deep down I knew this and was trying so hard to not worry and to just be calm, my pregnancy emotions didn't care and stuck with the negative and the worry. I have cried so many nights being so worried. I have had nightmares. yuck.
We decided that we would cross our fingers and look up our case with DWS online tonight to see if things had been worked out yet at all. I asked Jarom, "Do you think it will be better?" while I waited for the screen to load, and for the first time in weeks Jarom said "Yes." I thought he was nuts, but I was being hopeful. When it finally logged in and looked at our benefits--- It told us that we have insurance for BOTH kids [and they even backdated it for January so there won't be a break in coverage], we both have PCN insurance (it covers adult preventative care, like my neurologist that I must see every 6 weeks) and I have prenatal coverage. I cried. I am still crying and it has been over an hour. I am filled with joy, and peace and love for the caseworker and so many others.
Other things have happened that have further blessed our lives that are more private but so, so wonderful. Today we are so thankful. I am so thankful. We truly are blessed and I know that it is all from our wonderful, loving Father in Heaven.
My heart is so full of appreciation and gratitude for the people who work so hard to help those who, even while doing all they can, cannot get some of the necessities they need. I am so thankful for my husband for being patient with me as I have stressed and worried over the last few months. I am also thankful for him working so hard and providing for our family. I know that he wishes he could give us the health coverage we need right now and that he would do anything he could to do it, and I know that it is not because of him that we do not have it. I do know that it is greatly in part to him that we have been able to get these benefits now.
Mostly I am so thankful to our Heavenly Father. I know that He truly does hear and answer prayers. I know that even when the answer you want, or maybe even need, isn't what is there for you, that Heavenly Father still is and if you continue to have faith and heed His counsel and keep His commandments, that he will take care of you in the way, and in the time that He knows is best. I am so thankful for the law of tithing, and for the continued blessing that seem to pour out abundantly for us as we pay each time. Sometimes it is hard to see the little things that He does for us.. but when you truly humble yourself and seek to thank Him for ALL you have, and to give Him all that you have, He will take care of you. He will NOT fail you. He is always there for us.
Even if it takes months of hard work, or years.. whether it takes giving up your most prized possession, even your home, or 14 hours on the phone waiting.. He will answer our prayers in the way that He knows is best and in the time that He KNOWS is best.
I know that my Father lives. I know that He LOVES me and that He watches out for me. I know that He wants me to succeed and that He will help me to do that in all aspects of life if I turn over my worries, fears, faults and pain to him. If I love Him unconditionally, if I serve Him, if I pay my tithes to Him, if I recognize my faults and repent and strive to be better.. He will help me along the path to becoming better. To becoming how He wants me to be.
My heart is full of gratitude. Of love. and finally of Peace.