Sunday, February 01, 2009

I'm a stressy type. I try not to be but I can't help it. I have severe anxiety.. I've struggled with it since I was little. I try so hard to just deal with it, to be a strong person and not need help. But there is only so much one can do on their own.

I had my first panic attack when I was 7. I had a friend from school who was in a car accident on the way home one day and he was killed. I couldn't get in a car for weeks, I was afraid to leave my mom or dad. I remember not going to school because I couldn't make it out the front door and still be able to breathe. One night my mom was folding laundry in my brothers room and of course I had to be next to her. I laid on his bed while she folded clothes and I fell asleep. It was the first time I had fallen asleep on my own in 3 days so of course when my mom finished she left me to sleep on my brothers bed. I woke up about a half hour after she left and honestly thought that she had been killed. For 2 weeks I could not be anywhere without one of my parents near me. I was too scared and it hurt to be that scared. It finally got better and I was able to go back to school and resume life as a typical 7 year old.

By the time I was 10, I had a panic attack EVERY night, Monday - Friday, at 8:30 pm. It came from a fear I had of the person who would be home from 9 - 10:30, which was an understandable fear I now know, but it made it so hard to do anything. I learned to go to my room, turn on some music, and do my homework until the same person who came home left again. This started when I was 10, and continued until I was 15.

I have had to go to the emergency room many times because of panic attacks to the point my mom was afraid. It is so awful that such a terrible feeling can take over one person. It isn't easy to control. I've taken anti-anxiety medicine for awhile and I know that a few of you think that it makes a person weak to have to do so, and for that reason it makes it even harder to share this, but I've spent so much time without it in my life that I know that it is better if I take it.

When I found out I was pregnant I decided to stop taking the medicine to prevent these types of attacks as I wanted to do the best for my baby. (My doctor said it was safe to take and would not harm the baby, but I still wanted to make it through the first trimester without it.) Well.. I am 16 weeks along and therefore am 16 weeks 'sober'. I'm doing okay.. kind of. I've had some pretty scary panic attacks.. I've even been afraid to leave my house once. Poor Jarom.. he just wishes I would take the medicine, but I'm not doing TOO terrible so I am trying not to. But other times I wish I could. I feel like the biggest failure to need it, I didn't use to but I know that some people honestly think that it is a sign of weekness to need the help. I don't want to be a weak person.. I'm trying so hard to not be. But I'm struggling.

I feel like I'm drowning, with work, primary, Addie and a baby on the way. I think too much, so I stress too much. I'm trying to cut out the things that aren't worth worrying about, but some days it is hard. I don't want to complain, most of the problem is that I am adding too it by worrying so much. But it is still there.

I'm very grateful for the trials that I face in my life.. because they make me stronger. I think that I will be an okay mom, maybe not the best, but I think I will be a good mom because of what I learn from my own personal trials and struggles. God won't give me more than I can handle.. I just wish I could say the same for myself.

I need to de-stress. I'd feel better if I did. Maybe this will help.


  1. Sometimes, people need help. And that's okay. I had to take Zoloft for postpartum depression, and I thought postpartum depression was just a myth! I know now that it is very real, and it can be scary. I don't think you're any less of a person for taking anti-anxiety medication, and you shouldn't think you are. I know I could have pulled through it on my own if I really wanted to, but that was taking too much out of my life (and away from Copeland) and I needed a break.

    My sister struggles with panic attacks as well. She was 10 when 9/11 occurred and it took her almost a month to get over thinking that planes would crash into our house. She still struggles with sleep before a big swim meet or something other than that, but she doesn't suffer to the extent that you do.

    I hope you know you can trust me. If there's ever anything you need, I'm right next door. And you can always talk to Melissa, too. She's been there for me, and I know she'll listen.

    You can make it through this. I have faith in you :) I'll keep you in my prayers.

  2. You can take a brake from primary you dont have to do sharing times or conduct if you dont feel like it. it is totally ok. I hope you come to our meeting tomorrow and we can talk more then.

  3. My Ambi love! You are my best friend and I love you so much! I'm always here for you, especially when you're not feeling up to life! I can't wait to see you on Wednesday, I have a surprise for you too that I think you will love! Call me any time love. Best Friends Forever, remember?!

  4. You know I got really bad anxiety attacks when I was pregnant with Aniela. It happens, but you learn that you can't take on everything all at once. I use to do that and worry and get stressed but it just made everything seem worse. Just take it one thing at a time and then one day at a time and you will find yourself not so stressed and a lot happier and if the pills help take them. You shouldn't worry about what other people think.

  5. You are a very very strong person. You survived your childhood with lots of crappy things going on. It is not a weakness to need meds. Do you see me as weak? I have taken Zoloft for years. I am off it right now but I know that I will probably be on it again in the future. It takes strength to talk about it and be open about it. There is enough crap that has happened in this family not to have many of us on meds. I have managed to break the cycle of yuck in my little family. Thankfully I have a wonderful husband. Don't know what I did to deserve or find him, but I will be grateful for eternity. You will be an awesome mommy, I know it. Do what you feel is best, not what others will tell you to do, but take the meds if it gets to that point. I will never live up to my parent expectations and that is just how life is. I love them so much but I hope I have changed somethings for my kids. Remember you are loved by your crazy Aunt Michelle and I am here to listen anytime!